Outside: Firris’ Way
reading time: 7 minutes
I first met Firri on a Sprayway x Lindley Educational Trust weekend. Firri was one of the instructors, but I think the memory that sums up what I know of her is seeing her walk around the Hollowford Centre in comfy clothes with one hand holding her water bottle against her, and another with a HUGE bag of sweets. Even with those clues I had no idea she had a chronic illness that kept her in bed for days. I had no idea that the hot water bottle she was holding was for pain management. It goes to show that these hidden illnesses can be very well hidden. But that doesn’t make them any less serious or painful.
Firri is a Muslim outdoor enthusiast with Endometriosis. She is a teacher in Ashton and also works with the Lindley Educational Trust helping young people from Aston enjoy the outdoors. Most recently she was a leader in the Lindley Trusts Winter Skills Course in Scotland.
Firri started getting pains that sent her to hospital when she was 18-19 years old. After surgeries and investigations she was then diagnosed at 20 with Endometriosis. When her period was due, her stomach would swell. She wouldn’t be able to keep down food or drink for a good day or two, sometimes to the point where she would end up in hospital with dehydration. She had a total of six operations to try and treat it. At one point the endo started growing up her diaphragm to the point she couldn’t breathe and was in an unimaginable amount of pain. One A&E trip later and she was having emergency surgery, which damaged her ovaries.
Two years after that, an MRI scan shows it’s started to grow around her bowels and on her nerves in her lower back, which has been giving her a lot of lower back and leg pain, especially when she walks. The doctors are talking about operating again.
“The swelling stops you from doing anything because you can’t even walk due to the sickness and not eating properly for three days.” She explained how her weight fluctuates a lot, due to the medication and the issues eating. Firri said “that in itself is challenging because your strength gets weaker and you just can’t do some things, you just don’t have any energy at all.”
I was shocked when Firri told me the pain can leave her crawling from her bed to the bathroom. She is given strong painkillers which knock her out, meaning at best she can go for walks round the block when she’s not too out of it. Personally I’ve found that these types of medications can be very effective at reducing the pain, but their side effects can create other barriers.
When I asked Firri for a time when she was outdoors and things had gone badly due to her chronic illness, she said that bad for her meant she simply couldn’t go outdoors. But there was a charity walk she did with Peak Adventures. It was a sunrise on Snowdon hike. Her husband suggested she just ring to say she can’t go, but Firri was having none of that. She said “I’m not letting it get the best of me, I’m going to push through”. Her husband drove whilst she slept in the car journey there and had her hot water bottle to help with pain. She knocked some pills down but when she arrived her lower back was hurting. She put heat pads where it hurt and said she’d stay at the back with the slowest group.
“So we did go slow. they didn’t manage to get to the top, the weather turned bad so we made our way down. And it was - I don't know, maybe God. It just worked in my favour, basically. We did a good few hours and came back down. Took some more pills. The morning was done, back in the car and I was knocked out.”
When she’s outdoors Firri will avoid those types of medications if possible and take regular over-the-counter painkillers. But when that simply won’t hack it, she’s had to drop out and cancel at the last minute many times. I always fear people will think I’m unreliable or making excuses when I drop out of something last minute, but the reality is if there was any way I could continue I would prefer that than sitting at home. I got the impression this was the same for Firri.
Each time Firri’s endo hurts her, which can be every two – three weeks, it's likely she’s sick for a good three days each time. Despite the fact that Firri and others like her have their absence from work protected under the Disability Act, she explained she has known people to have to leave their jobs because they were off so much. A lack of stable income would easily be a barrier to the outdoors for many.
A common theme with chronic illness is mental health, and Firri’s story is no exception.
“When you're out and about walking in the fresh air, you're not thinking of 10 million things that are happening in your house or at work and you can just switch off. Then when something like this hits you and you’re sitting at home, looking out of your window, it's nice and bright and sunny. But you can't even get up to go to the toilet and you have to crawl on all fours. Depression kicks in so bad…”
Something I could really relate to with Firri was feeling like you don’t want to complain too much. Even to loved ones who give you the utmost support always! She said she doesn’t want to sound like she's moaning all the time, because she’s had it so long and it feels like it's just one thing after another. I completely understood her with this aspect. You don’t want to be that regular source of negativity. When the reality is those who know her would probably say she’s the complete opposite.
Mostly the only support Firri feels she needs is just to be understanding when she needs a moment. She described it as “people understanding you’re not just being mardy about woman pains, it hurts and there’s a lot more to it”. That statement in itself shows the concern about not being taken seriously when she’s having pain or other symptoms. She said positivity goes a long way when you’re feeling low and down. Even if it's as simple as saying “It’s ok, we’ll get through it”.
Firri is a casual worker for the Lindley Educational Trust; she works as an instructor on local outdoor events and the winter skills courses they do in the Cairngorms. When she was young, there was nothing like this out there. So now she wants to make memories for the kids in her community and teach them skills that will help them in the outdoors and in life. She has quite a strong relationship with the community in Ashton. She began working in another youth club in Ashton encouraging young people to enjoy the outdoors and give back to their community. As a result the families will trust Firri to take their children into the outdoors.
“Just teaching them how to look after themselves when they're away in the Cairngorms for a week. They get up early, making their own breakfast, making their own lunch, packing their own bags. Then life skills in the outdoors. What to do if they're in danger, about first aid, have checked the risks, and most importantly, enjoy themselves with new people. It's a brilliant journey and you see them change and mature as well.”
Despite a lot of our conversation being about surgeries of pain, you can see Firri light up like a lantern when she talks about the outdoors, and she only gets brighter when she talks about bringing the outdoors to her community in Ashton. I get the impression that she works very hard to share her passion with others, but for her it is entirely worth it for the joy it brings her.
One of Firri’s goals has been to get her Mountain Leader award. But time after time her Endometriosis has thwarted her final assessment. It has taken her a total of seven years! Her last attempt was just over four years ago. She had an emergency op for her endo in November – December, and her Mountain Leader assessment was in March. It takes 6-8 months to recover and during that time she loses a lot of strength and her fitness, so she has to work her fitness back up to her baseline when she’s fully recovered. For the first 5-6 months Firri couldn’t even carry a bag, and when she would go out for walks her husband would have to carry the majority of the kit.
Two years after that assessment Firri was ready to go again. But an operation put a stop to that once more. After that covid put a stop to it, and since then the assessments have been during term time which means Firri couldn’t take part as she works in a school.
Positive thinking seemed to be a huge thing for Firri. She talked about surrounding herself with positive and supportive people. She takes things on walks that make her happy to deal with things when it gets hard. She called it her “luxury item”. She’ll bring hand warmers, hot vimto or hot chocolate. “You always take a luxury item or two. Because you know what you're like and if that's going to get you through shit weather or whatever, or a really dull moment, you need your luxury, whatever it is…”
I look forward to the day Firri gets her Mountain Leader award, as she is clearly a confident leader in the outdoors. One who can empathise and relate to others who have chronic illnesses, and one who clearly has a passion for sharing her love of the outdoors with anyone who will join her!
